The Last Word

Dear me, dear me. Here we are at the end of the soon to be historic I-Izaadz blogapalooza and I'm supposed to deliver the last word. (Gulp!)

This event has been so spectacular thus far it gives me goose-bumps. Not only have all the blogs been brilliant, but the responses equally as brilliant. How fortunate to be a part of a community made up of so many dorkishly inclined as myself. (What d'you guys do for fun? Oh, you know, we have big events where we talk about "worldspace" ... Ummm. Okay, check ya later!) But it was only a kind of fluke that I ended up being the last post here. Pelle and I made brief spontaneous contact and he offered me the spot and said "You'll get the last word." Why, how could I resist being handed a silver platter awaiting (my) the last word!  But from the first word of this whole event I have been deeply humbled, am thankful and remain in awe and I have scarcely had time to even read it all much less begin to write something. Thus, now I'm stuck trying to peel something off as quickly as possible and ... well, let's try. Pardon if this is just a stream of consciousness ... however much of that I can muster ...

What do I know about worldspace ...? 

 Happy Birthday?

There was a commotion. Perhaps that is not the right word. But I was aware that everyone around was focused on the same thing at once and they were rather excited about it. I didn't really know what was going on, but it became somewhat apparent that this communal focus, filled with happiness and excitement, was directed at me. I was sitting at a specific angle, facing the door leading out to our side porch. Then amidst the excitement the tall man went out on the porch to where I could no longer see him, and reappeared with a smile on his face, looking at me and holding up a blue stuffed bunny. He made sure that my attention was drawn to it and the chorus of voices coming from other hazy figures seemed excited about it too. It was for me. And in a moment there was a bright flash. I was sitting in a high chair and it was my first birthday.

The memory of this moment has stuck with me ever since, though to even describe it I have to apply language, perspectives, contexts and referents that did not even exist in my world at the time. In truth I did not even know who "these people" were. ("These people," because that's about the best way to express the thought.) I think I was aware that "these people" called the tall man Dad, but that is probably retro-interpretation of the actual moment, beginning not to many years after. At that moment -and this I know for sure since the same lingered for quite a time after -I was not even sure who I was ... Who and I didn't exist. But I know that this was my first birthday because years later I would suddenly put two and two together with a photograph; a picture of "little me" sitting in a high chair in that exact spot in the kitchen with a cake in front of me that had a single lit candle on it. I would eventually ask my parents years later when exactly they had gotten me that blue bunny -which we had for so many years after -and indeed -"You remember that!?"

But despite no I or who I can assure you that I was not "enlightened" in this worldspace. I was simply there, aware and in a strange sort of indescribable way (here's the key word) confused. And the look on my face captured in the photo betrays this (i.e.WTF is going on?) For years worth of memories that still hold there was the consistent thought of "who are these people!?" In fact, I even have a distinct memory of speaking to my brother and confirming with him "I'm Tim" right? I have a load of memories of "this woman" who would do all sorts of things with me; sit me on the bed while she laid on the floor in front of that box thing thing and moved her body all around while the lady inside the box directed her and told her what to do. If I recall, I think they called it "exercising" (early 1970s style). I also remember standing on top of "this woman's" legs and trying to keep my balance and/or impulsively demanding that she hold me or let me sit on her lap. Eventually, "these people" would emerge as something completely different. They would emerge as brothers and sisters with names and histories and obviously the ones that were called Mom and Dad - to whom all people went for help and assistance with life problems and difficulties. 

Emerging Worlds

Many years later I made mention of these sorts of early memories and a friend of mine said he was "very interested in what the world looked like to you at that age!" He was pretty certainly, I think, looking for signs of Buddhic enlightenment. My answer at the time was that the most striking thing about it all was that familial relationships "had not yet been formed." This was important to me at the time-that is, in the worldspace from which I answered this question- because I was still very much in the process of deconstructing the "conditioned" nature of those relationships -while taking the "conditioning" or "learned" or "taught" part of it all as the key to the entire story. (i.e. There are no parents or brothers and sisters! They're just unenlightened people who teach you they are such because they stupidly believe such and in the process screw you all up from your basic purity which people keep telling me is supposed to be enlightenment.) Now I would say that to the perspective of the one year old in the high chair, brothers, sisters, mothers, father, much less aunts, uncles, neighbors and in most instances even names, just did not exist. "These people" were there but, literally, my brothers, sisters, mother and father could only be called intrinsic features of the environment. To them, in their worldspace - there were certainly brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers and I was one of the brothers from the start . . . and that's the interesting and fun thing about worldspace: so many differing worldspaces can co-exist in the same place at the same time. (Don't know how that works out from a strict postmodern, post-metaphysical view, but you get the point.)

Take my house, now ... (please! no, just kidding).

What exists to the ferrets? Well, for one thing, what does not exist to them is the trouble their owners (my daughters) will get into if they don't take care of them. Care, compassion, responsibility, "trouble" and certainly owners don't exist. That tasty crunchy stuff does ...(but not the money it costs to buy it.) To look at another, I'm sure I'm not alone in fantasizing about the life and perspectives of a cat. How nice to be able to sit and look from such high places and fall asleep in such cozy and curious places any time you want. Yet, just this week one of our friends asked us to "cat sit" for him while he went on vacation. Vacation does not exist in kitty's worldspace - nor does "just being watched for a week" exist to our other pets. Thus, upon arrival, all of them freak out! Where am I? (Rrrrrraaaaaaarrrrrrooww! Hiss!) Who are you! (Growl. Screeeetch!) An intruder! An animal intruder! (Bark, bark, bark, bark, row, row, row row! Pant, pant. Let me out! I gotta go pee!!!!! Bark, bark.) Etc. To the little human beings, at first, yes, this fluffy thing is scary. (Especially when he is hissing, scratching and growling at all the terrible threats to his safety.) But soon it becomes apparent what does not yet exist within their wordspace - animal abuse! And yet somehow we do all manage to get along ...

There was a time and worldspace when if you "needed money" what you did was go to the bank and the nice people that lived there would simply give it to you. Work existed but it was simply a place where father and some of the adults went during the day. No reason, they just did. Legal ownership didn 't exist, but ownership by other virtues certainly did. "Get out of my yard!" was the center of more than few scuffles or arguments, or "You left it in my yard, it's mine," as if this is the unspoken law understood by all. Later, refutes emerged: it's not yours, it's your parents! I'm on the sidewalk it's public property! (Whatever public meant. No matter, it at least means I'm safe from your rules and control!) And whatever happened "these people" now known as Mom and Dad would be able to handle it. There was a time and worldspcae where I wondered why the adults didn't play with toys? They answered but I still thought they were crazy ...(later the reasoning emerged that they exist to buy toys and food for us! Then later . . . toys suddenly became really boring . . .)

If memory serves correct I can recall a time when I was merely present with "these people." Later I had a mom and dad and that was a good thing and "mom" and "dad" were also their real and only names. Later mom and dad (who some people called by other names) were more fearful -for to them you answered if you got in trouble. Later still they emerged as people who had been doing this for a a long time, and had histories dating back to long before I had even been born. (Same with those brothers and sisters.) Later still they were fools conditioned by society and unable to do anything but condition me the same. And later still they were human being always, no matter what, doing their best to live from moment to moment, from infancy to the present, within the Kosmic mystery, experiencing the same joy, hope, love, grief, confusion and sorrow as we all do by nature in this same mystery despite vastly differing worldspaces and histories. Each time "these people" emerged differently.

Ever a Challenge

Some worldspaces are more fun than others. There was a time when I was so certain of who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. Then later came a time when none of that any longer held up. Good god nearly everything I had believed just may not even be true. I recall the end of the Religions of the World class in high school. At the conclusion I could clearly see that each and every one of these religions (Christianity, Judism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Toaism, Islam) made perfect sense and also emerged in their own cultural and historical context that made it make perfect sense ... yet they all disagreed. Thus, you would never be able to find the right one or the one truth. Nobody knew anything ...

And then there was the time when the universe emerged as a vast and endless living system of systems of systems of systems, no matter where, no matter what as far as the eye could see (and the eye itself was just another system in a system of systems). It was beautiful and awe inspiring and, it could make sense. It had to make sense ... It did make sense ...

And then there was the time when I was just so sure I had everything in order. How cool and collected I was, how wise and informed, how truly growing, healthy and spectacular and what's more, still in a humble sort of way. Things looked ever exciting from this worldspace  ... and then some unsuspecting subject was brought up to me ... and before long, after some mounting and truly intensifying agony ... it became apparent that I'd been deceiving myself for nearly my entire life ... something terrible had happened, way back when I was too young to even process it, too young to even speak of it, certainly too young to understand ... but it was still me back there ... and I'd cast it into the nothingness of shadow for 90% of my life ... and it wasn't something little either . .. it had literally ruled me in so many ways, in so many choices, in so many fears, in so many ambitions, in so many relationships ... so much of my own history had been, in the face of this reality, a terrible sham ... I was a sick, sick, scared and confused boy ... and when two and two had been put together I wept ... and wept . . and wept ... like a baby, like an infant, uncontrollably ... seventeen years worth of emotion poured forth ...seventeen years worth of fear and sadness ... seventeen years poured forth in a matter of agonizing hours ... but I at least knew I should attempt to do nothing to stop it and so did nothing to stop it ... Peter Pan wanted his shadow ... I certainly hadn 't wanted mine ... and yet, despite the agony and the regret and the eventual self-forgiveness (and other forgiveness) ... from the very instant of the breaking of the dyke ... it was nice to feel I was starting to become whole ... authentic, True and genuine ... it's not the greatest and most desirable history ... but it was mine ... and at least I would no longer be pretending it wasn 't, while all the while it drove me and followed me. What is so curious is that I finally realized -perhaps the better word is acknowledged -I knew all along. I knew. It was right there and I KNEW! Each and every single moment ... but this mind mechanism -and in part be thankful that it is so -was somehow able to protect itself by blocking it ... it had helped me survive ... amazing ... but it was now time to realize that an important part of me had still been living in a different-ultimately outdated- worldspace.

And I also learned from this that you can change the past . . .

And then there was the time when I knew I was trapped; trapped by my feelings and desires. Oh, I was so in love, it just woudln't ever go away. But oh, it was never going to be. How could I escape this? There had to be a way. It was killing me. It just simply could not be the case that an organism is struck, trapped, locked within the whims of its pain, feelings, longings and desires. That would be absolute hell. Somehow there had to be a way out ...

And then I remembered the poetic instruction from a certain song:

love,
simply love,
merely love,

love . . .

What made me do it, I don't know, but I simply said - okay.

And all at once the crushing torture of the feelings stopped.

Everything interior to me stopped.

I remained breathing, my heart beat, my eyes blinked, the blood flowed . . .

but inside there was absolute - nothing.

I sat up.

Could this be?

Did this just really happen?
I checked. It had.

There was literally nothing - and what an unusual phenomenon.

I was overjoyed and in awe but without the feelings-

feelings would have disturbed this stillness, this silence, this ... complete cessation.

And so I just laid back down on the bed. Intending to stay with this as long as possible.

And then it started ...

From my chest I felt this unspeakable energy,
it both emerged and I fell into it ...

it was touching the core of the universe ...

it was the core of the universe ...

and now I realized it was everywhere and everything ...

for it always had been

the universe itself, in all of its immensity
was suddenly revealed

for the funny little speck that in really always was

in comparison to his vast and illimitable ...This

And I could see all worlds arising from This,

and evolving to This,
and evolving becasue of This,

and only ever being This,

and only ever moving, searching, wandering and wonderig for This,

though This itself was only what was doing the moving, searching, wandering and wondering,

every though, every word, every event,

every sensation, every sorrow, every laugh, every smile,

every birth, every death, every joy, every relationship,

every rule, every role, every -take you pick, it didn't matter

There was only This

and Only This was all that everyone and everything ever really wanted,
and looked for, and lived for, and woke up for, and slept another night for,

they all were and it all was This to begin with and ever ...

I could see the limitless expanse of evolution,

this was driving it, but this was it,

this was where it was going

And whoever it was that was so troubled and confused before,

only because he couldn't see This,

now realized he was This,

and there was nothing that could be wanted,

for everything was already had,

because all there was was This,

and This is what he was,

There is no word for This,

But I can tell you my preferred word,

for it was the only explicable word that had arisen to me -

no doubt influenced by cultural contexts-

but none the less perfectly appropriate,
and accurate,

though always inadequate,

it was Love . . .

And all worlds arise from, within and because of the Love,

and there is nowhere to escape from it, because it itself is doing the escaping,

and there is nowhere to run from it because if itself is doing the running,

and there is no way that you would ever not want it,
because it itself is doing the wanting or not wanting,
and it is the only thing ever to want, or not to want,

All words and all worlds arise from, within and because of This,

and so if you have to choose a last world, or last word

might as well choose the first world and first word,

although worlds and words can't remember their own names, remember who or what they were, and there is no first or final

in the Face of This Love.

From the blue bunny to "these people" to birthday parties, to the bank to the toys,
to every worldspace that has arisen ever since and whatever has arisen within it, and will ever arise ...

And so now, no matter what world, I rest in knowing ...

And it doesn't seem like there is much else to say ...